If there were ONE thing I could magically change overnight, it would be this: helping women learn how to stop feeling guilty for putting themselves first. We women are sabotaging ourselves by putting ourselves last on the list – if we’re on the list at all! Whether it’s our spouse, our kids, our friends, our work, the chores…there’s always something bigger and “better” we need to take care of, right? Well, actually, that is a false assumption.
To get to the crux of the issue, however, we need to discuss what it means to put yourself first. And that conversation starts with the thing we never want to do: self-care.
What Is Self-Care?
Many of us think of self-care as something that is selfish and indulgent, amiright? I mean, the obvious self-care activities including taking a week off to do a spa day, lounge on a beach somewhere exotic, and doing other “indulgent” things…
Isn’t it?
Well, although getting a massage and taking a vacation are great ways to give yourself a much-needed break, they are only one small sliver of what it means to do “self-care.”
Taking time out for yourself could be about doing more (meditation, bubble baths, eating well) OR about doing LESS (removing tasks, objects, or people from your life that are not bringing you joy).
In reality, what self-care really means is this: taking care of your physical, mental, and spiritual well-being.
Does that sound selfish? Would you blame a loved one for needing and working towards obtaining those things? NO, you wouldn’t! So why would you deny them for yourself?
Why it’s important to put yourself first
Before we get into the “hows” of stopping to feel guilty for putting yourself first, let’s talk about why it is so important to do so:
- It benefits those around you, as you are able to be your BEST self: patient, creative, compassionate, positive vs. harried, exhausted, burned out.
- Being a pleaser gets you nowhere. There is no guarantee that you will be able to please other people by doing all the “things” so it’s best to focus on what you can control: yourself.
- You’re Not Helping. Constantly doing things for others keeps them from learning how to do these things themselves. In effect, you are stifling their ability to grow and develop skills they need.
So, how do you learn to stop feeling guilty for putting yourself first? Below, I have listed some common
themes that hold us back and the ways you can combat them.
How To Stop Feeling Guilty for Putting Yourself First
Don’t “Should” On Me
I “should” be spending more time with the kids/friends/family, getting a project done, doing chores…Sound familiar? Remember the first reason to put yourself first, above? You’re a BETTER version of yourself. Who do you think your kids/friends/family want to hang around – the stressed-out, exhausted, impatient version of you or the upbeat, energized and fun version? What about at work? Are you more effective at your job/business if you’ve got brain fog, you’re dragging in the afternoons, and you can seem to get that project done OR when you’re focused, on-your-best-game, and creative? You see, self-care reaps rewards not only for you but also for the people in your life. They appreciate having the relaxed, cared-for version of you!
Solution: remind yourself that your friends, family, coworkers, boss and/or employees appreciate you bringing your “A” game and will LOVE the self-loved version of you!
Boundary Busting (saying “yes” to everyone but you).
Some time ago, I read “Year of Yes” by Shonda Rhimes. Although she spent a year saying “yes” to a lot of things to push herself out of her comfort zone, she made a point of including a chapter on when to say “no.” Here are some of the highlights (paraphrased):
- No is a complete sentence.
- Saying “no” shows you who really cares about you. Those who do respect it. Those who don’t do not deserve to be in your life.
- Saying “no” helped me realize that I am worth it. That my time is valuable. That I am valuable.
Solution: remember that saying “no” to someone is allowing you to say “yes” to yourself. When you consciously put yourself first, it gives you the strength and energy to do more for others – in the ways you want to, in the ways that light you up.
The Spouse Factor
Many women I work with are afraid that “asking” to take time out for themselves would be an imposition on their spouse. As we know, women do 80% of the housework on average and many women also have additional responsibilities: work outside of the home, caring for elderly family members, and still handling double the amount of childcare as fathers. This barrage of responsibilities is a double-blow to women: not only do they feel like they have less time to devote to taking care of themselves, they also feel like it’s self-centered to shift time from their duties to themselves.
Let me be frank, here: most husbands want their wives to give themselves a break. These men truly love their spouses and want them to be happy and feel their best. In my experience, it is most often the woman’s perception of her spouse’s reaction to her taking a “time out” that is the barrier to starting any sort of self-care practice. So, what’s the solution?
Solution: Having an open and honest conversation with your spouse about the plan you have come up with to take time out for yourself can yield surprising results. Most of the women I have worked with were shocked that their husband was not only supportive of her plans to take some time for herself, he was happy she was finally realizing the importance of it! Shifting some of the household responsibilities to your spouse, a paid helper, or letting some things slide (does anyone really notice if the baseboards haven’t been dusted lately?) will allow the time and space for you to take care of yourself.
Self-Care is Self-Respect
This is a big one. If someone asked you, “How much do you love yourself?” what would you say? If you’re reading this, you are likely a driven, ambitious woman who kicks butt in her daily life. But do you love yourself? Do you treat yourself like you would treat someone you loved and for whose well-being you were responsible? I think of it like this: when a baby needs something, she cries out. Whether it’s because she’s hungry, tired, uncomfortable – whatever it is, you take care of it so that the baby knows she is loved. You do not fault the baby for needing help, right?
Well, what about when you need help or support? Do you berate yourself for “not being able to do it all on your own” or do you recognize that you are only one person and that you need others to step in to assist?
We women have been brainwashed to believe not only that we can have it all but that we should DO it all! Well, if you’ve read any books by top female CEO’s, they will tell a different story: get help whenever you can. Your body, your sanity, and your soul are worth keeping in tact. There is no prize for getting to the finish line half-dead. Support yourself so that you can show up your best so you can stop feeling guilty for putting yourself first.
Solution: Remind yourself that you are worthy. That you matter. And that your physical, mental, and spiritual health are critical to your well-being and your ability to live your purpose.
Building the Routines to put yourself first
Nothing happens overnight. As a matter of fact, new habits don’t even form in 28 days, despite the popular self-help books that say so.
It takes 66 days to build a new habit. It’s true. 66 days. This is why most people quit their New Year’s resolutions by February – they haven’t given them enough time to become their new normal.
It takes time to build routines and it requires planning to ensure those habit-muscles have a chance to form. Finding things you love to do, telling trusted friends or family what you are planning so they can hold you accountable, and working in technological “helpers” to remind you to drink your water, take your steps, or do your meditations will make it all a bit easier and reinforce your new practices.
Solution: Set yourself up for success by making a plan for what you want to do. Create support systems via friends and family and/or technology to hold you accountable and give you subtle (or not-so-subtle) reminders. Post a reminder of your “Why” somewhere you can see it to keep you going.
How Self-Care Saves You Time
Self-Care is the FIRST priority, not the last. Otherwise, it won’t get done – you’ll be too exhausted once everything else is checked off your “to-do” list (if you get that far) to think about doing one more thing. But this is where the magic happens – it’s not an either/or scenario. When you give yourself the gift of self-care, it actually SAVES you time! Don’t believe me? It’s true!
Here are the ways Self-Care saves you time. When you engage in self-care, you are more:
- Focused
- Energized
- Creative
- Positive
- Happy
- Healthy
And all of those things create a more efficient and effective YOU! And that means you can get more done in less time. This means you can stop feeling guilty for putting yourself first. Sounds pretty amazing, right?
So now that you know WHY it is so important to put yourself first, what’s one thing you can do to put yourself first each day? It could be something big (like a spa day) or something small (like winding down with a warm cup of herbal tea in the evening in your favorite cozy armchair). The beauty of it is, you get to choose! Plan your self-care so that it gets done. Remember, keeping yourself physically, mentally, and spiritually healthy will not only make you a happier, healthier person, it is a gift to all those around you who are graced by your beautiful, best self ��.